How to be a criminal
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Throughout the night the ceiling leaks rusty, warm water through your paper-thin blanket and onto your hard mattress. Similar to that of a prehistoric cave, the gray concrete walls and lack of heat make the nine by six-foot environment extremely uncomfortable. If you are lucky, you will share this dank hole in the wall with a man smaller than you and somewhat cleaner. The truth is that if you were lucky, you wouldn't be here. Your neighbors are so close that you can smell them, and often do. Every hour on the hour flashlights scan your dwelling while accompanying a authoritative voice shouting "COUNT!". This may sound like a popular new reality show; however this is prison and with a bit of effort you too can reside here with actors, musicians, and top government officials. Aside from brushing elbows with the rich and famous, you will also reap the benefits of a free education, three meals a day, and rent free living. If this sounds like the life for you, I have compiled a few simple steps to take you from a man of conviction to a man with convictions...